Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
