Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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