saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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