I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
