just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
