Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
