I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
PANTIES FOUND
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
