dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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