At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
