I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
