Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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