i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
vagina is talking i cant
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
FUCK WHALES
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
