apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
