once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
