Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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