The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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