Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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