these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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