Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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