The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
