dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
