my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
