I'm eating all of the evidence.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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