my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
