On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
