Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
