best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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