Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize