my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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