We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
