when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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