I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
