i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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