I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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