I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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