I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
