On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
