I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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