if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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