OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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