Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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