I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
