its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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