If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
