Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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