i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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