i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
