i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
