im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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