The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
