homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
