I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
