I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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