Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
