I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
