I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize