new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
