I could make wine with my vomit
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
