i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
