I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
